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I stood looking at the wall of gadgets, gizmo’s, tools and contraptions. Though I was wearing what I call my “magic” black five-inch heels, I was struggling to find confidence in what I was about to do.

What am I doing here? What made me think I could pull this off?

The store was quiet, thank God. I wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment of someone wondering what I was looking for; except for the sales lady that is. She was eying me, as I lingered at this particular wall of sex toys like she might approach.

No, please, please don’t.

I pleaded in my head. Almost as if she heard me, she gave her head a small nod and turned back to what she had been doing. I breathed an audible sigh of relief then gazed upon the options before me and thought about what led me here.

I had never been to an adult toy store by myself before. In fact, up until a year ago, I had never been in one at all. I had married my first husband right out of high school; both of us had limited experience with sex. We never, in our 15 years of marriage, ventured very far from a vanilla boring sex life. I often joke to myself, that they called it the missionary position because you prayed for it to be over.

I grew up in a strict religious household and always carried a sense of shame about sexuality. Reminded to always be a good girl. Which I took to mean: don’t enjoy it, don’t be vocal, and definitely don’t act like you want it. Because of that, I had not spent any time in “sex shops,” owned a vibrator or even watched porn. Those type of things went against the person I was groomed to be.

Overwhelmed, intimidated, or even panicked didn’t come close to describing what I was feeling right then. I knew I had to make a decision before that sales lady decided she would accost me with questions.

I could do this; I would do this…for Theo. Ah, Theo; who had turned so many things upside down in me.

I had met Theo my second year of college; he was a friend of Carol from my psychology study group. Carol was a beautiful and extroverted blonde who sort of led our group. The girl everyone knew was going to amount to something one day. Theo had shown up at the coffee house we camped out in one evening and sat down with us. I remember being struck right away by his easy smile and self-assuredness. He was handsome, with sharp cheekbones and a strong nose. Not too tall, not too short, with broad shoulders and a slim waist. In other words, way out of my league. Plus, I was married. I decided to simply enjoy the scenery since he was easy on the eyes, but otherwise, I let it go.

It was a great night of laughing and studying; he melded right into our group. The topics discussed were all over the map, from psychological theory to dating. Once the gang saw how easy it was to make me blush and stammer, the talk turned exclusively to sex. I spent most of the evening red-faced and quiet, confused by all the emotions but secretly thrilled and turned on by the topic.

It became apparent right away that Theo was no novice when it came to sex and held none of the shame and guilt on the topic that I carried around inside. He told stories with confidence and charm. Stories that shocked me and had me torn between wanting to sink into my chair and wanting to hear every lurid detail.

Yep, way out of my league.

Eventually, the night ended. Everyone went their separate ways, and I wouldn’t see Theo again until years later.

When I got home that night, I was feeling bold. I went to our bedroom and took off my clothes. I then walked naked into the living room and stood between my husband and the tv with my best “come hither” look on my face. Instead of the lustful look, I was hoping for; his eyes held contempt.

“What has gotten into you Emie? Why are you parading around naked? The blinds are open! What will people think?”

Shame overwhelmed me, my eyes filled with tears. I fled to our bedroom, got dressed and climbed into bed. Alone and humiliated. I quietly cried myself to sleep that night, while he laid next to me, oblivious to my pain.

After my ex and I called it quits I had spent a few years trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I tried dating, but the loneliness was always there – I couldn’t shake it. I felt uncomfortable like I was trapped in my own skin. Then I finally came to the realization that I had been living a life scripted out for me by my parents long ago. It didn’t fit with who I was inside.

There was so much more to me. I was ready to live, to feel fully alive. But I had no idea how.

It was during this personal epiphany that Theo and I happened to meet again.

I had stayed in touch with a few people from my college days and was invited to have a sort of reunion with the old group. Carol, the one that knew Theo, had gotten a book published and it was doing well, so it was time to celebrate.

I started thinking as I went to put on my casual going out clothes, how tired I was fulya escort of the whole dating thing. How with every social outing came the pressure to meet “the one” and never feeling like I quite measured up.

Screw it! Tonight I’m just going to have fun! Be me or, rather, discover myself. No pressure to find love. Tonight I was going to start living for me and let the past go – I don’t need it.

I looked into my closet with a renewed purpose. Within a couple of minutes, I was standing in front of my full-length mirror saying, “Yes, that’s exactly how you want to feel inside tonight!” I put my hands on my sides and twisted my shoulders and waist a little. The light open knit black sweater clung to my breasts and gripped my curves. It gave hints of exposed flesh as well as my most expensive black bra. My black and white knee length skirt was tight enough to show that I did not have a flat ass but loose enough to hide I wasn’t 20 anymore.

Though I wished I had a garter belt, thinking about the lingerie magazines I would never buy from, I managed to find a pair of black boyshort panties I never worn and some black thigh-high stockings trimmed with lace. I twisted my foot, and looked at my thighs and calves while standing in my “magic” five-inch heels.

Wow! They were magical!

I bought them for myself the first Christmas after my divorce but never had the courage to wear them out in public. I usually wore respectable 2″ heels convinced I wasn’t sexy enough to pull off the higher ones. Tonight I could pull off anything I wanted. I finished up with some big hoop earrings, a necklace and ankle bracelet. I fluffed my hair and applied a deep red lipstick to contrast the softer tones of my make-up.

You only live once, but tonight I was starting a brand new life and it was going to be by my rules..

With the radio turned up during the drive and me singing like a Diva, I showed up at the bar with a weight lifted off my shoulders. My attitude confident and carefree. Feeling more secure in myself than I ever had.

After saying hello to the gang and congratulating Carol, who was even more striking than she was in college, I went up to the bar to get a drink. It was already crowded and I had to wiggle my way and dodge elbows to get close enough for the bartender to notice me. Even with my “magic” heels, most would consider me short.

As I waited, I turned and looked at the guy sandwiched next to me. I knew him instantly. He still had those cheekbones and that easy smile. He was as handsome as I recalled. I saw the light of recognition enter his eyes and that easy grin filled his face.

“Emie! You look fantastic!”

He remembered me? This gorgeous man remembered me after all these years? What? Pinch me now!

I felt my cheeks redden, and my heart picked up its pace.

“Hi, Theo” was all I managed to get out before he wrapped me in a huge hug and managed to spin me around within the tight crowd. When he set me back on my feet, I was a little unsteady, surprised that it had felt so good to be in his arms even for just a moment. Theo kissed my cheek and said,

“I’m so glad you came tonight.”

I was startled by this, and he saw it on my face. He dropped his eyes and gave me an embarrassed grin.

“Sorry. It’s just great to see you again.”

The bartender called out for his attention at that moment. Theo ended up paying for my drink and grabbed his own and asked,

“You’re here for Carol’s party, right?”, I nodded, “I just got here and wanted to get a drink before I sat down. I’ll walk back to the table with you if you don’t mind. ”

He put his arm around my waist and gently guided me out of the mob of people placing their orders and followed me back to Carol’s table.

As we approached, all the women stared. I wondered, excluding Carol, did the other girls from the study group remember Theo like I did or did he know them better? He pulled out my chair and helped me slide it into place.

His hand brushed my shoulder as he turned to walk around the table, giving the ladies hugs and men handshakes as he circled to the other side. He pulled an empty chair from another table and asked to sit between Jenny and Kristin. They apparently didn’t mind, probably thinking that Theo was making a play on one of them. But his eyes were on me.

The night flew by, everyone was in a great mood. It felt wonderful to laugh, dance and feel carefree. Conversation flowed easily between all of us. Several times I looked up and caught Theo staring at me from across the table as we all talked. The look on his face was so intense and full of something that I couldn’t quite figure out.It seemed to be a mix of fasination, determination and lust. No one had ever looked at me this way. I, swear to God, turned around once to see if there was someone behind me.

He couldn’t be looking at me that way. Wow.

But I had reminded myself of my promise tonight, I was confident, gebze escort my insecurities didn’t rule me anymore. So though I noticed Theo checking me out, I tried not to read too much into it and resolved to just enjoy the night. No worries, no expectations. Sooner than I hoped, we heard the bartender yell last call.

The night was over, I felt good, really good.

I did it, I actually broke out of the confines of the old me. I spent the whole evening being confident and self-assured. There really is a middle ground. I can be me, dress how I want, flirt if I want and it doesn’t make me a degenerate or a whore. It makes me a strong woman! Wow! Yeah Me!

I was on top of the world except for one little issue; I was too tipsy to get myself home safe.

Crap, some singing Diva I turned out to be. I have to call Uber…

As I got out my phone to request an a car, Theo asked what I was doing. When he saw the Uber app on my cell phone screen I embarrassingly explained my situation. After giving me that intense look again, he smiled and asked me,

“I was hoping you might go have some coffee with me. It would be my pleasure to drive you home after.”

How could I say no, right?

We got up from the table to say our goodbyes to the group. Carol gave us both big hugs. She and Theo whispered to each other as I hugged the others good night. A few of the ladies appeared disappointed as Theo grabbed my hand and casually waved goodbye to them.

We walked to his car, his hand on my back. He opened my door and held my arm as he helped me in.

What a gentleman!

After you are married for a while, someone opening your car door is not a part of your everyday life.

While we drove, we chatted easily about this and that. He told me that he had just moved back into town after a painful breakup and was looking to start fresh.

Hmm, that sounded familiar.

Usually, I am shy and quiet. But with Theo, I felt comfortable to talk and express myself. He seemed to be genuinely interested in what I had to say. Even asking me to clarify some things I mentioned earlier since I left out or skipped a bit of information that gave the current conversation proper context.

Was he writing the biography of my life?

Again, after years of being with the same man, someone showing interest in what I had to say was novel.

As he put on the blinker to turn into the all night diner, I said,

“I only live about 5 minutes from here, why don’t we go to my place. I can make a pot of coffee, and we can kick off our shoes and relax.”

Whoa, where did that come from? I barely knew this guy. What can I say, it just felt right.

To my delight, he agreed.

“As long as you’re comfortable with it. Why don’t you text Carol to let her know you’re with me and I’ve brought you home safe. I know, at least for me, it seems like we’ve known each other for years. But truthfully; you’re a beautiful single woman about to bring home a man you’ve only met twice in your life. A girl always has to be safe. Text Carol. It’ll make us both feel better.”

As we pulled into my driveway, it just started to pour down rain. Theo asked me to wait a moment, and he got out of his car. A second later, he opened my door and magically produced an umbrella to shield me from the rain. Helping me out of the car, we started walking to the front door with his one arm on my waist and the other protecting me from the rain. He was walking straight, me – not so much. I started giggling at myself for trying to walk in these five-inch heels, on the slippery sidewalk, after a few drinks. I was not exactly graceful.

What do you know, the magic heels really work! They brought Theo home with me; I just wish I had known about them all those years ago, I would have worn them to that study night!

“What’s so funny?” Theo asked as we approached the door.

“Nothing, just laughing at myself.” I replied.

Once inside, I took my heels off and said to them, “Good girls, I’ll take it from here.” I then made some coffee, and we settled down on the couch. After about a half hour of casual chit chat, I knew that I had to do something. I couldn’t let this moment pass.

I really like him. It seems like he’s enjoying my company, but what if he’s waiting for me to make a move? Come on Emie! Live life, take a chance!

Before I could stop myself, I leaned over and kissed him. He kissed me back hesitantly and made no move to take it further.

Shit…denied…

I sat back, the old feelings of shame and embarrassment trying to kick in but I refused to pay attention to them. This was all new to me, trying to be confident and strong.

So I read Theo wrong, no big deal, it was just a kiss.

I figured he would make an excuse and get out of there as fast as he could. To my surprise, he just sat back and started talking like nothing had happened. So I went with it.

I gültepe escort took a shot, and it didn’t work out, so what, I was enjoying his company so much, maybe I would end up with a good friend out of this, I could live with that.

So we talked and talked. It came so easily. I found myself opening up about my insecurities, my failed marriage and the epiphany I’d had about my life. We touched on everything, including sex. I surprised myself with my candor about my puritanical upbringing and my feeling that I had been missing out on so much. I described my fears, rooted in my past, about being seen as a slut, and how my marriage did nothing to calm those fears.

I thought out loud for a time. Never feeling any pressure, after all Theo had denied my kiss and made it clear he wasn’t interested. It felt safe to share, no agenda needed. I even opened up about what happened after we left the study group the night we first met. The humiliation I received from my ex that evening and the contempt in his eyes as he looked at me naked in the living room.

Bless his heart, Theo listened intently, never saying a judgmental word. He shared his experiences of love and pain along the way as well.

Theo got up to use the bathroom, and I looked at the clock, 4:30 am. I should have been exhausted but I wasn’t, I was enjoying myself too much.

When he came back into the room, he sat next to me on the couch and took my hand in his.

“Emie, you are so beautiful, both inside and out. I’ve never had such an instant connection with someone. I want to know everything about you; I want you to know everything about me. This connection we have is special.”

Wait… what? He thinks I’m beautiful? He feels this connection too?

“Earlier, when you kissed me, you can’t possibly know how much I wanted just to pick you up, take you into your bedroom and ravish you. I knew you were still feeling the alcohol and I didn’t want it to happen that way. I never want to do anything that would hurt you or cause you regret. You deserve to feel loved and cherished. I want to be a part of this new life you’ve been talking about. I want to watch you blossom. If you could only see yourself the way, I do. You are a gorgeous, amazing woman”

I must be dreaming… maybe someone spiked my drink earlier, and I’m hallucinating…handsome men don’t say things like that to plain girls like me. But that look in his eyes, maybe he means it? Maybe he sees something I don’t.

I was completely speechless. Tears filled my eyes, and my heart felt like it might burst. He continued,

“And I have a confession to make. Your ex-husband is probably the dumbest man I know of. That night he humiliated you when you got back from the study group, I went home and played with myself thinking of you. What I would’ve given to had what you had offered him that night.”

Wait a second! Back up this bus… Did Theo just confess to me that he jerked off to thoughts of me naked? Now I know I’m dreaming!

“Now that you have sobered up, I’d like to try that kiss again.”

He leaned in and kissed me. Whoa! What a kiss it was, like a romance novel kiss. His hand went to my neck, and into the back of my hair, his other hand wrapped around my side to draw me closer and his lips met mine with no hesitancy. His tongue darted into my mouth to explore while his lips urgently sought to devour mine. I gave myself over to the kiss, feeling the heat move down into my belly and between my legs. I had never gotten wet before from just a kiss, but I was soaked instantly.

I wrapped my arms around him and felt his broad shoulders and ran my hands over the muscles in his back. He felt so strong and solid, so real. Gently he pushed me down onto the couch, his hands moving up under my sweater. My breath caught as he found my hard nipples pushing against the fabric of my bra and gently pinched them. Sensations rippled through my body that I hadn’t felt in so long. All the while his lips never left mine. He finally broke the kiss to give us both much-needed air as we stripped off each other’s tops, he met my eyes with a look of lust and hunger.

God, he was beautiful, his eyes, his face, his chest.

Impulsively my hands went to his taut nipples, rubbing my thumbs over them. Surprisingly, Theo let out a groan that held confidence in his pleasure of it. I was surprised how sensitive they were and how a man might react to this. Becoming excited by the moment, I rolled them harder between my fingers, he let out another soft groan. This was different, I never would have guessed a man would acknowledge this simple pleasure. I wanted his nipple in my mouth and went to reach for it, but I felt my bra come undone and heard it hit the floor. He sat back, denying me his nipple, straddling me as I laid on the couch breathless. His eyes became fixated on my chest.

“Your tits are gorgeous. Their shape and size set off the curves on the rest of your body. And I’m a curve man.

He took a nipple into his mouth, softly biting while also swirling his tongue over the hard bud. My back arched giving him more. I moaned with lust, wanting was coursing through me. I reached for his belt, but he stopped me instead, picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom.

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